In one week we will be celebrating Thanksgiving. A time to gather with family, to appreciate everything we have, and to remember those who have passed on from this life as we know it.

It is a time for reminiscing, football, walks in the crisp fall air – and it is family that I wish to address today.

You see, most of us lose who we have become when we gather with those who knew us as children.

Whether you are a parent or a child or a sibling, you resort to how it was and who you were – the role you either played growing up or the role that was placed upon you – and that you perhaps placed on others.

With friends we become who we are. 

With family we are too easily trapped by who we were.

Think back to your emotions the last time you got together with family. Emotions are the insight into our personal truths. Were you happy or did old pains surface?

For instance:

• I have a friend who is beautiful (physically as well as inside) but she dresses down at family gatherings, afraid that she will get untoward attention (either embarrassing praise about her beauty or ‘comic’ insults) should she truly reveal who she is – an intelligent beautiful woman. The question to be considered is: why is it that others try to make someone uncomfortable just because of who they are? 

• I also know of an energetic and outgoing young adult who reverts to being ‘the introvert’ because his family is critical – lovingly critical if there is such a thing but critical nevertheless – and so it is just easier to take a background seat, fade back, avoid. No one wants to be judged, directed, advised – for a lifetime!

• And then there is my friend who is verbally attacked at every family gathering – since childhood. While the attacker presents the ‘tease’ in a joking way – it is nevertheless an attack and cuts like a knife. It’s no wonder family gatherings are least on his happiness scale.

What to do? How can you change the family role you have been assigned if it no longer serves you?

“First tell yourself what you want to be – and then do what you need to do.” 

Epictetus (55-135 AD)

Epictetus believed that suffering occurs from trying to control what is uncontrollable. He also believed that neglecting what is within our power creates suffering. Makes sense right?

So make the change. Be strong. Power is from within.

“At the heart of your being lies your answer. You know who you are and what you want.” 

Laozi (Zhou Dynasty 1046–256 BC)

What serves you best is to be who you are. It is not wrong for you to speak your mind. Show your intelligence. Refute the child in you if being that child no longer serves you.

The wisdom masters would say, “Stay in the moment. – be in the now.” This allows you to control the conditioned response in you just waiting to surface, triggered by what others do and say.

It may feel uncomfortable at first – breaking out of old ways of thinking and old behavior patterns, and it most certainly will be a shock to the dynamic – those people from your past who expect you to behave in a certain way.

You see, when you play the role people have assigned to you, you keep their world stable. You become predictable and that is safety for them. But be prepared, when you try to change their world you will see resistance. Expect it. Be strong. But be who you are, not who anyone else expects you to be.

Because…

Change takes courage.

Asserting yourself in a kind and nonthreatening way is –

WISDOM IN MOTION

And the only route to true happiness. Enjoy your holidays this year!

It’s your choice!

NAMASTE’

For more information on how to survive family time, check out 85%.